I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
