mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
