while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
