pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
