first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
