Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A bitchslap is in order.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
