Im at strip club and am horny
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Randomize
