this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
