so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Randomize
