Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
