I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
