I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
