those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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