Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
