My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
