Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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