false alarm. still invincible.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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