We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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