So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
