I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
