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I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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