The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
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I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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