New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
