i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
