haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.