mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"