My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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