ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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