Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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