Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
