dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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