I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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