Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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