Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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