My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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