I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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