The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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