Apparently you make a good broom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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