How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
