On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
