Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
