I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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