i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i will never coherently bang her
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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