She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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