we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
