I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
