I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
