I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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