The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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