Where did you get a picture of my penis
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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