The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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