I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
