haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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