you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
