apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
