i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
