I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.