remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
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he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening