She is in my trunk
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?