you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
